“No, that won’t do at all,” The Voice sounded quite pissed off. “Didn’t they tell you that your password must be made up from letters, numbers and other characters, the ones I call the squiggly bits?”“No. Nobody said nothing about a password.”“Damnation! Nobody does what they are supposed to any more! Right, name?!”“Russell Charles Atkins,” I recited, “Usually known as ‘Charlie’.”“You’re not on my list.” The Voice, wherever it was coming from, sounded exasperated.“Ah. Is that a good or bad thing?”“What do you think?” Now The Voice bordered on petulance.“I dunno, I don’t even know where I am,” I said, “Ornate and shiny double gates in front of a misty river, warm orange red sky above the far shore. Puffy clouds that appear to be talking to me and swirly mists that I appear to be standing on as if they are solid ground. Where the hell am I?”“Well, Customer, Mr Russell Charles Atkins, what does this scene bring to mind?”“The Pearly Gates?” I guessed.“Do they look pearly to you?” The. I knew that my troubles were about to become even worse, but even my most pessimistic guesses didn't quite prepare me for the rat fuck I was about to inherit, literally!"Ok, let me get this absolutely clear now in my head, mom. Your preacher from the pulpit one Sunday revealed that God had told him that the world was coming to an end this year just before Christmas, and that the lord would then summon the faithful in a flash of light, leaving the ungodly behind who would ravage the world into its final apocalyptic destruction! Burn baby, burn! Accordingly, you and dad sold the house at terms that would make a stick-up bandit blush with shame; you then also sold all of your worldly goods, more or less, and spent the money... all of it, upon survival 'doomsday' preparation supplies. Two and a half goddamned fucking forty foot long shipping containers worth! All neatly lined up right here in the driveway for me to just toss onto the back of my truck to haul your worshipfulness home! How.
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