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I turned around, went out into the kitchen, wrenched open the door to the basement and headed down the stairs without turning on the lights.Cool moist air greeted me at the bottom. I rummaged thru the tall wine racks that lined the near wall until I located the one I was after, one I'd stashed there almost two years before. A gift from a previous Russian ambassador. One hundred and twenty proof peppered vodka from Kiev.I broke the sealing wax from around the neck, pulled the cork using the corkscrew that dangled from a hook on the end of the long series of racks, sat down on the cellar's parquet tiled floor and took a deep swig of the spicy, fiery dark alcohol.What the hell was I trying to prove? More importantly, who was I trying to prove it to?The only answer that made any sense was that I was trying to prove it to myself. Okay then, what?That I could keep them, all of them, safe.Why? History demonstrated rather plainly that I couldn't. I'd lost Carlie and our unborn child. Peggy'd. Indeterminate periods of conscious thought were followed by equallyindeterminate periods of unconsciousness. It was this cycle thatconvinced him he was not dead, why would a dead person sleep was alogically conclusion of that particular internal argument.When all else is removed, and your thoughts your only diversion, it isamazing what use you can put your mind. To stay sane, while conscious, hewas constantly working through scenarios and thought exercises. Reviewingthe past, considering the future, and wondering about his current state.He concluded in this internal monologue that this was probably thedisembodied, pure thought state that most mystics strive for.It was while he was "awake" and reviewing thoughts about his family thatthe first perceived change happened. He was not married, and all thesocial ties he had in the world were his small family, parents andsiblings. It was the thought of them being hurt, which kept him fromcarrying out his depression driven thoughts of.
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