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I turned away from it, memories clouding my mind, and almost making me dizzy. I walked to my study, opening the ornate door quietly and shutting it equally quietly behind me. I had asked that a fire be lit in the fireplace, and they had done as I asked.The gentle flicker of the flame highlighted the dark woodwork of the room, its shining copper ceiling gleaming in the firelight. I went to my desk, and sat in the old leather and wood desk chair I had recently had restored. I took the old Shaeffer desk fountain pen out of the holder and wrote some words on a piece of my stationary.I put the pen back, and removed an item from the drawer, and carried it with me as I walked to the big leather wing chair in front of the fire place. I laid it on the table next to the chair, and sat down.Holding the ball of the cane with both hands, I stared longingly into the fire, as if looking for answers to questions I didn't like very much. I quickly broke and looked around at the various leather bound. What did girls watch. He had to start watching mushyromances. He had to talk about the things that girls talk about. Thenit really hit him. He had to talk about boys. That is what girlstalked about. They talked about boys and he would have to do so also.He would have to say that boys are cute. He would have to say boys werecute and he would have to say it not only with a straight face, he wouldhave to say it with a smile and make everyone believe him.He started to make a list in his head of boyish things and girlishthings. Everything in his mind had to fall in one of the twocategories. Some things were gender neutral but he couldn't see that inhis present state of mind. He had to avoid the boyish things and do thegirlish things. Seeing traits with this black and white view would makehim an overly feminine girl but he couldn't help himself. Unlike realtranssexuals who could be themselves at least which meant embracing allaspects of their personality both male and female. .
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