First Night Together

The thoughts kept racing around and around inside her. She was sweating profusely and her mouth was far too dry to speak. Phillip could see she that was dumb founded but commanded her “walk over to the wall.” Obediently she did. “I want to see today what I’m getting Carolyn” he said, more softly, but still confidently. “Strip.” Mind still racing, but hesitantly, her shaking hands went to the top button of the white blouse and started to open it, fumbling. “What am I doing?” she thought to herself, tears welling in her eyes, as one by one, she undid the buttons. “Slip it off your shoulders and let it fall to the floor” was the next thing she heard.”Now do the same with the skirt.” Carolyn’s fumbling arms reached behind her and she found herself unzipping it and allowing it also to fall to the floor, leaving her standing there only in heels, white satin bra and panties. “Bra” was the one word she heard next and again her hands, as if by remote control obeyed and it was removed and also. Don’t look like that. I’m not depressed. Relieved. Happy even, if that’s at all possible. Fear of loss is so much harder to bear than the loss itself. I ache each day for him but it is nothing compared to the ache I felt when he was alive. Don’t cry and don’t pretend you too are not a little relieved. Who’s being cruel? You held my boy at arms length, fearful to get too close. He accepted me as I am, as only a child can, and you could not. And always, always you let the fact he was not yours get in the way. We’ve been over it so many times. A silent fuck in an hour of darkness. I wasn’t even there. I won’t regret it. It gave me Christopher. You look so hurt. But I will not give in this time. I will not let you confuse me and love me into another death I can’t bear. You say you love me. Do you? Do you really? When you push and push for a medical answer to a problem I don’t believe I have – don’t you see it is me you are trying to kill? Think carefully. If I do as you ask, who.
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