We got married a year after that. Then were on again off again miserable for the next five years. After that ended, I spent some time remembering how to be me. I had warped myself into whatever shape fit my ex’s likes and dislikes just to keep the relationship smooth (Ha). I still found myself with prejudices I didn’t remember having. It took time to remember how to be honest with myself. I found a few of my old insecurities creeping in as I did, but with age came an increased ability to face and address my fears. Irrational fears are just that — irrational. If you can dig a hole, logically, in something you fear, you take power from it. I learned to use my extremely linear, logic-driven though process to dissect fears and prove they were baseless. Most of them. That wasn’t my biggest problem. Dealing with all of that, I became a shut in. I hated to leave my condo for any reason. I tolerated going to work, because I had to. Anything else became a race to see how fast I could get. . so repressed. If I wasn’t sure she had sex at least twice, I would think she was a virgin.”She looked up, turning her head to meet my eyes for a second. “Darrell was so cool about it. He told me about how guys get erections and about how sex really worked. He even told me a little about how it was between a man and woman, the kinds of things he did with his girlfriend. When I asked him if I could see his, he refused. I kept asking for days and then, one day, I got mad and I told him I would ask some boy at school! He got all red in the face, I thought he would spank me or something, but then he dropped his shorts.”She giggled, accompanied by the other two girls.“It was soft at first, just kind of hanging there. It was ... it was a little ugly, all surrounded by hair. But I got real close, and when I knelt down in front of him, his face got all red and it started to grow! Hard, it was so different looking and when I touched it, I thought Darrell was going to have a heart attack. I.
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