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Even my hornyness had subsided. I slept like a rock after Kay tucked me in.Unfortunately, the feeling didn't last. When I awoke on Monday, I was nervous again. I realized that I'd have to see John, never mind the fact that all I wanted to do was see John. I was worried what that would be like. Would it be painful? Embarrassing? Exciting? Or my greatest fear, would it feel like nothing at all? Was what happened between us something that existing only for that moment? Or something deeper?Needless to say I was worthless at work, and unfortunately I'm not in a position where I could really hide out and be worthless for a few days. In fact, by Wednesday, my boss was asking if I was ok, or needed sometime off. I'd missed things, forgotten things, and messed up. Something I try very hard not to ever do. It was a shitshow, as John would say. God I couldn't wait to see him.Then I realized it was Wednesday and I hadn't heard from him. That started another worry. Why hadn't I heard from him?. It added to my anger. Packing wouldn’t have taken nearly as long if not interrupted several times by dry heaves. I saw his eyes as I squeezed my own closed. Not the eyes I cherished—the ones that studied me with a mixture of amazement and adoration—but the placating, angst-filled eyes. The pleading eyes. I never wanted to see those eyes again. I heard his voice as I ran the tap water to wash my face. Not the voice I cherished—the one that promised me all his tomorrows—but the appeasing, soothing voice. The ass-kissing voice drifting through a closed door. I never wanted to hear that voice again. I knew as soon as he came back into the living room that he was going to ask me to leave—to give him time to smooth things over—with that same voice. That voice, only turned toward me. It made me sick. I didn’t speak. Just nodded. I’ll go. He was apologetic and grateful. You’re making it worse, I wanted to shout. ‘I’ll call you later, baby.’ That word turned my stomach. Don’t bother… baby. I.
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