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"Granddad Bill?"Much to my dismay, my grandfather simply shakes his head and look away,the sight of me clearly so offensive that it's causing him actual pain."Nick," nanna says dejectedly, "why have you done this to yourself?" It- it's who I really am," I explain."But you were such a handsome young boy," nanna complains, seeminglyunable or unwilling to consider my feelings. "Won't you just stop thisall and turn back into a boy?" With tears in my eyes, I shake my head."I'm not a boy," I whimper. "I'm a girl." Granddad Bill- clearly badlyhurt by my decision- simply shakes his head again and stands up,deliberately directing his gaze away from me."I think we should leave too," he says, taking his wife's hand andleaving the house, though less dramatically than my other grandparentshad. Stunned, I stand in the middle of the living room, my heart reelingfrom the rejection."Nikki," mum says comfortingly, wrapping me in a tight, motherly hug andallowing me to bawl my eyes out into her. Here is how you have danced betweentwo fires.Now satisfied in your mind, you stand hand in hand, andshyly look over at him, seeing his confused look: he is notsure how to take your approach.You know that feeling well. You lean and kiss him, andsmile, telling him without words that his caution isaccepted and appreciated but that you are ready to take astep forward. He smiles back, understanding at least thefeeling if not the intent, and that's enough for now: it'stime for ritual.While the wise woman shows you how to hold the knife, hepatiently waits with the chalice held out. He has no ideawhat he holds, but then, you've never seen it yourself,you've only felt its lip and its power. Now you're remindedof how intimate and yet unfamiliar it was to the touch,buried deep and waiting, and marked by a spring gushingforth.You feel yourself redden at the thought. Even now, dry-eyedand flushed, you can feel yourself start to weep withhappiness and hope.He is offering yourself to yourself for.
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