Desi Village Maal

She must have been listening for a while. There was a bathroom adjacent to their bedroom. Why use the one way down the hall?"Yes, we liked the vibrators. Did you see those pictures in the instruction book? I couldn't believe some of them." Jean asked."Yeah, they were pretty explicit weren't they? " Lori laughed. She looked at me. "Did your mom's threats make you quit masturbating?" No, Mam, I didn't quit. I just got sneaky about it. I believed my hands would rot off for a while, but then I got over it." I said looking Lori in the eye."Good, it's healthy for you. Makes you skin glow. Keeps you away from boys. There is plenty of time for boys when you learn to be careful. With VD and AIDs around, my God! You don't know who to trust." She shook her head.We ate breakfast and went up and made the bed. I was scheduled to stay over till the next night. Jean had an afternoon field hockey practice. She asked if I wanted to watch but, thinking of Lori, I begged off. She left after lunch.Lori. The unrelenting thinking and my labyrinthine brain. I oscillate again. I am in a constant dialectic of hating my thoughts and loving them. Pain and pleasure. La douleur exquise. I want more pain, more pleasure. I want to give him every immeasurable psychological inch of me this time, no wavering, no drifting, no volition. The more I give, the less I will be lost. There will be nothing left to adulterate my self-awareness. As for my Master, his responsibility is great, onerous, less enviable. It reassures me but I worry for him because it is I he has taken on. I want to tell him that he needn’t crush or deny me the complexity that is my humanity, as I will shed it in front of him. The ultimate disrobing, the veritable nudity. Anything for that intoxication and sobriety I feel around his domination. My Master is, to my eyes, an eerily beautiful man – the best kind, and the kind that stays with you forever - with the face of a cherubim, a Lucifer. Yet his eyes betray him; his icy gaze.
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