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Even when they have moved on to sex with boys those girlish delights continue. Groups of teenaged girls meeting in each other’s homes dare each other to undress and soon morph into heaps of deliciously innocent naked sensuality, perhaps including newcomers being introduced to the harmless joys of multiple sucking, fingering and simple sex-toys inducing pretty orgasms. Any initial embarrassment is soon removed by the typically Japanese, and especially typical female Japanese, reluctance to stand out from what the group is doing. Later, those girls who settle for “respectable” lives with hard-working husbands, PTA meetings and wives’ coffee-mornings in boring “bed-towns” may well be drawn into lesbian relationships, one-on-one or in groups, for lack of other sexual outlets. No one in Japan would think that strange or see it as an exclusive life-style choice. Given the astonishing physical beauty of young Japanese women, and their graceful sexual generosity, it is hardly surprising that. Then there’s light and the shower is still running. I leave it on even though the water bill is too high to pay. I like the sound of the water rushing over me. Let the water pour. Clean and hot and desensitizing, destroying prints and calluses, burning away bacteria, boiling needles to the surface of my skin. Mindless, hopeless activity. I sit in the shower without forgiven and need and lust and longing. The scars will never vanish. Never fade completely. But remind me of the torture of trust, the fool who gives over. The emptiness that follows desire. All of it written in stitches across the scars and curves of fingerprints from homemade thread and sewn with the needles that were thrown at me. I say you must move on because the only way to live is for yourself. But the mirror doesn’t believe me. It remembers how he said he’d die for me and believes that there is another way. Still, it knows that he read my hands and prints and strategically placed the needles he made. Acupuncture.
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