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He gave up the ghost right in his seat, with I myself keeping a hand on his once-warm-but-now-suddenly-cold-cheek, and it was after we had kissed vehemently and intensely. In all my life, it was these two boys whom I had dated and fell in love with. There were no other. And there would be other, it seemed. Alve and Espen. I had loved them more than anything else. More than my own breath and existence itself. I sighed to myself as I thought about all this, sitted down on my enormous bed, my feet tucked and crossed over each other, my hands wielding a sharply knife which I would soon use to root out my life. It had been enough already. Eighteen years of living hell so far. Eighteen years of torture and torment and endless actual nightmares and agony and anguish. I would put an end to everything now, without delay. I still remembered the day I came across Alve Anders. I was a self-conscious and shrinking sixteen year old back then. Guiltless and inoffensive and lawful. I ran into him. "no more pain... no more suffering... just bliss... quiet oblivion and bliss... all you need to do is say the word... one little word and it will be over... no effort... no strain... just a word... just say it... say it... is that so hard...??? so much to ask...???" and here calm and almost quiet begins to rise... soft tones replaced by deeper meaning... menace growing... a return to what was before and now... words clipped... the spaces between them more blinks than breaths and with my mouth still scant centimetres from her ear the torrent resumes... "this was supposed to be fun... this was supposed to be a good time... not just for you... a good time for us both... three fucking hours i spent on the motorway sitting in traffic watching k**s pick noses and ugly women sweat for this... THIS... i may as well be watching coronation street for all the fun i am having... fuck me but look at you... how fucking dumb was i to fall for your bullshit... you... another fucking chancer....
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