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Every guy i have met, told me i look exotic because i’m naturally very tan but not white.The door rang and butterflies formed in my stomach, i answer it, but not only is it him but also his 2 friends. i was thinking, ‘hell no, no one is running a train on me, i’m the fucking player’.“Hey guys”“Hey simone, sorry about these 2, they were my only ride”“It’s cool, do you guys wanna hang out in my play room”They agreed, it was Alec and Rico.Meanwhile, i had my little brother set up in my parents room watching Thomas and Friends so he wasn’t going to come out.I led Derek to the guest room because my room was a mess and no one ever went in the guest room.We didn’t kiss, i don’t kiss guys who i’m not with, it was something i picked up in Pretty Woman. I started to undress him, i pulled his shirt off and kissed down his chest. He than took my shirt off and fondled with my boobs, making them hard. He. CALM. RELAX. QUIET. I was hanging on those words, trying to imbue them with meaning. I needed them. I needed them as an anchor to a world that just plain wasn't making sense any longer. I needed them to find myself because I had lost me somewhere along the way.CALM! RELAX! QUIET! I let those sounds fill me. I let the meaning of those sounds suffuse me. Not the fucking meaning you can find in a dictionary; their meaning to ME. I let them anchor me in the storm of emotion going through me. I wrapped them around me, letting them calm me. The black rage that was boiling in the pit of my stomach like bile, seeking a way out, trying to own me yet again. That would not do. I needed this, the center of the storm.I opened my eyes on a world suddenly devoid of color; the greens and browns and yellows and reds fading to differing shades of gray. I listened to my breath, measured it. In. Out. In through the nose. Out through the mouth. I closed my eyes and lifted my face to the sun, just rising.
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