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DAY 75I have found my mind preoccupied for some hours regarding a statement Iwrote yesterday without deeper consideration at the time, namely that Iwould have experienced substantial discomfort entering a retailer spacedevoted to selling products designed for the biological necessities ofpeople who possess uteri. I recognize the truth in this statement, buthave had some difficulty reconciling it with my understanding of genderdysphoria. My discomfort, I feel certain, would not have been the resultof a wistful jealousy toward cis women, nor would it have come from afear that being near such a space might cause suspicion about my fa?adeof masculinity, though I suspect that comes closer to the truth. Try as Imight to engage in this metacognitive interrogation of my pretransitionself, the only conclusion I can come to is that I did not genuinely seemyself as female, at the time.That, in and of itself, may not be cause for suspicion. There are myriadways to be transgender, and such. Volim gledati tvoje grudi, a pod stolom ti sada već otvoreno dodirujem noge, tvoja uz moju, prihvačaš , jer ti je lijepo, ali nekako s nevjericom. Pali me kako su nam noge prislonjenne jedna uz d**gu i malo ih trljamo, dok on uzima mobitel i ide razgovartai na terasu, vesel je. Gledam za njim i uzimam tvoju ruku i stavljam je na moje međunožje, stavljaš ruku na moj napeti ud, pokušvaš je odmaknuti ali ja ne dam, otvraš dlan i hvataš prstima moj ud, te ga lagano masiraš preko hlača a na usnama ti osmijeh. Kao ono , pitaš se, ali? Gledam te i stavljam prst na usta, opsuti se i uživaj , vjeruj mi... ali muž kaže da ti.......nugodno ti je to i izreči , ha ha smješkam se , znam ja što on misli, ali ti vidiš i osjetiš jel tako, sada ga već masiraš preko hlača, napet je i tvrd, stiskaš ga i drkaš preko hlača jer si se napalila, a on i dalje priča na mobitel na verandi...Vrača se i onako raspoložen gleda nas i veli, slušaj prijatelju, ova moja žena, kurva, moram tako reči , sanja o tome da je.
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