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Alia comes and goes as she pleases. She seems happier than I’ve ever seen her. She is very much in love. She explains nothing, I accept everything. I pass through the apartment, hot and erect, like a ghost that cannot touch. I wonder how I am being poisoned, by food or injection. I hardly eat and there are no suspicious marks that I can see on my body, which I explore frequently and with great care, touching myself without inhibition and without the ability to orgasm. Sometimes, only by chance, Alia passes through the room where I lie pleasuring myself. I implore her, quietly, with my eyes alone, wide and surrendered to anything, but she ignores me, or pretends not to see me, reapplying her lipstick, or re-doing the dark makeup of her eyes. There are times at work, for instance, that I stare off into space for what might be an hour or more. I imagine that I’m with them, or that they’ve somehow stolen my consciousness away. When I return to myself, messages from clients have collected. None.I was about to relax, finally, but … “You … inside the café … you’re surrounded, front and back. There is no way out.” There was a slight pause and I looked to Mitch. He seemed to smile.“The cavalry has arrived.”“Drop your weapons … put your hands above your heads and come out slowly.” I think they were actually surprised when we did. Funny thing about adrenaline; I recognized Mitch’s joke about the cavalry and smiled in return. I was casual but very careful not to make any sudden moves in leaving the shattered café. It wasn’t until after that it started sinking in, and it wasn’t very much after. We were taken by a couple cops each, handcuffed with our hands behind our backs and taken to separate police cars. Before anyone even came to the car I was in to talk to me, to ask me questions, I had lost it. The adrenaline gone, spent, consumed by my nervous system, I fell apart. The fear that adrenaline had pushed aside, the thoughts of close it had been that Mitch might have been.
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