I was struggling to convince myself that it wasnt my fault. I didnt ask for what happened. I cant help how my body feels either. These are things I cant control. Why should I feel guilty? But guilty I did feel, and I think it was because no matter how much I try to hate my family for what they did to me, my hatred cant erase the pleasure I didnt want to feel. But my brother and sister had opened a door inside me only meant for me to open. Theres no closing it once its open. There was a carnality in me I couldnt erase. A healthy individual would have opened the door gradually, but my siblings had knocked it down and thrown me across the threshold against my will. Because of them, I could never separate my pleasure from my guilt. From this day forward, every sexual experience I might have would be doomed to suffer a mix of ecstasy and guilt. Because of them, sexual pleasure became shameful. And shame would become a substitute for pleasure. All I could do was submit. I turned my eyes to. "Transgender?" I asked."Yes. It's where someone crosses the line between one gender and the other."I'd crossed the line alright. Most boys would find it hard to even touch women's underwear (unless there was actually a girl inside it) under most circumstances and there I was finding it hard to not to."What happens now then?" That depends largely on you; whether you want to stay as Suzie or Paul." Yeah, but it's a one way ticket isn't it?" Eventually, yes, but that part of things is a long way off yet. You really are going to have to give this some thought before you go ahead with anything. You'll be expected to live as a girl for a period of time before you can consider that as an option." Yes, but I will have to won't I?" Not all do. Some live on the outside as a girl and still retain the male sex organs." They do?" I asked, wondering why anyone would want that. Either they were a girl or a boy weren't they?I had so much to think about, but it looked as though going ahead with Suzie.
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