They had gone fromnoticeable to glaring. From the way I sat to the way to the way Italked, it was all girly and causing him some consternation.He was as uncomfortable watching me as I was sitting their dressed ashis son. Constance picked up on it too. She later told me that I lookedlike a fish out of water, and Dad looked like he had seen a ghost.We finished up there and I packed up my car with Constance after we saidgoodbye to Dad. I then drove home from my father's with my sister. Shenoticed my intensity as I drove. I felt so wrong at that moment. I'd seemyself in the mirror, and I'd cringe. I needed to put on my face.I pulled up in front of my house and hurried into it. I looked back andsaw Constance looked at me with an astonished look. She was realizingwhat I really had become.I rushed into my room and slammed the door so that my mother would notsee me. I felt hideous and wanted to hide as I put on my makeup. I beganto relax and slowdown as I put more of it on. Each application. He had been sick for a while, so all and all it was a blessing. As you can imagine, I became very lonely. The adjustment of being married for 44 year to suddenly being alone in a big empty house was not something I took well. Both socially and especially sexually I was and am depressed. I have no idea how to date and living in a very small town, the options are limited. Plus, I really don’t want to be in a relationship. Truth be told, if my k**s and grandk**s visited on occasion and I could get fucked every now and then, I would be happy. I searched some dating sites and chatted with some guys but just cannot pull the trigger. What I wanted was someone familiar, someone I could trust, someone that wasn’t expecting more than I was willing to give. As the weeks after my husband’s death turned to months, I was desperate. I found myself masturbating more and more often but as we all know, there is something rather hollow in the act of satisfying yourself.About a year ago, I did something.
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