I had no name for him yet, and he smiled, giving me a small one that made my knees feel like I was standing on a trampoline. "Uh, I'm Dr. Stevenson. What can I do for you?"I was so busy thinking about my knees and how his eyes were just a shade lighter than brown ... hazel, I thought..."What?" I blinked at him. "Oh. I'm, um..." he smiled as I stammered, " ... Trixie." I felt my face burning. "No ... Lisa! I'm Lisa and, uh ... I'm going to leave now and move to..." I rolled my eyes, " ... Brazil ... now." I turned around, but my eyes couldn't keep from looking at him."Wait," he laughed. "Uh ... Do you want some gum?" He reached in his pocket and pulled out some candy. "It's sugarless."I laughed too and I was still blushing and feeling very silly, but it seemed sort of okay. "Yeah." I walked closer, reaching out. "Long as it's sugarless."So we stood there, the young, attractive doctor and the even younger, attractive catholic schoolgirl, chewing our gum. And smiling."So you're not here. I stare back to unsettle them, unblinking, unforgiving. They look away but the whispering continues. I have no one to whisper to. I have lost again and look away with eyes full of remorse and hurt and that glint of fear. Fear of the pain? No…more accurately described as fear of failure. What kind of mother will I be? Hands explore a surface so hard and round and promising, feeling that pulse of life within, wishing I could look like this forever and have someone to whisper to. And then the pain came, and I wonder why I was not in fear of it. Pain like a river, a waterfall, an earthquake…pain like a volcanic eruption that makes me scream and scream and scream. So much pain to deliver a life so small. Giving birth was perhaps the most painful and colorful moment of my life, the ripping of a soul that I’m not even sure exists. It tore from me like the wing of bird, disabling my flight through the azure dawn of existence. I felt that when I was crying my tears were made of glass because.
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