To be fair, I put some of it on myself, but I can never really parse out how much of it was my own creation and how much was my parents assignment of a role to me.For example, I took responsibility for my younger siblings, trying to protect them and keep them from getting in trouble. Of course, my parents held me responsible for their behavior, but I embraced that responsibility and tried to make it work.I took punishments for them when I could - when I was brave enough. I felt like a coward when I wasn't brave enough and I felt like a failure when I couldn't play the system well enough to get punished in their place.At night, sometimes I would lay in bed, listening to one of my brothers or sisters being spanked and I would cry into my pillow wishing I could be the one getting it. I hated hearing their cries and the sound of a hand - or the almost-silent sound of the hairbrush - hitting them rhythmically.The cries would sometimes turn to screams and usually begging: "Please Mommy!. You had always hoped it would end up like this and now it has. You have fought it long enough and now we are here. You are excited at the possibility of being able to come over here tomorrow and tell me that you are finally willing to submit yourself to me. The sad thing is, you don't even realize that you already have. I have controlled you for a long time... but like a stallion being tamed, you felt the need to kick once in a while, so as not to look like the pathetic whore that you are. You know that I will be putting rules in place, ones that excite you, but also intimidate you, since it is forever in the back of your mind, your wonder of your need for such a taboo. You ask yourself, why do I need her? Why do I need to let her control me? It is because you are weak and insecure. More than your weakness though, you find pleasure in being completely raw and wondering if I will still love you... for all you are... even your deep, dark, demented secrets. Will she still love me if I.
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